Holding On
by lemonjelly
Summary: COMPLETE. carby. when their baby daughter falls seriously ill, what they need to do is stick with each other, but it doesnt always work that way.
1. Blue Is The Colour

Disclaimer: Nathalie's mine . that's about it.  
  
A/N: Nathalie comes from my other fanfic, Sweet Child Of Mine, but they aren't really connected very much, so u don't have to read it. Pls r&r if u have the time. Love LJ xXx  
  
(1) Blue Is The Colour  
  
"Good morning, Susan," Dr John Carter greeted as he sailed into the ER that late spring morning. "And isn't it a lovely morning today?" His wife and Head Nurse, Abby Carter raised her eyebrows at her friend Dr Susan Lewis.  
  
"I'm sure it is lovely, Carter," Susan replied. "But I'm going home. I've been on since 10pm yesterday and if I intend to do the same thing tonight then I'm going to go home and sleep." Then she noticed Abby holding their four month old daughter.  
  
"Hey, Nathalie!" she smiled at the little girl. Nathalie, who had been sleeping, opened her eyes and looked straight at Susan with startling green eyes. "How is she?"  
  
"She's been sleeping a whole lot, so no problems there," Abby answered as Nathalie gave a long wide yawn.  
  
"Well I guess it's alright for some," Susan grinned. "I'm sure you're every parent's dream, right, Nat?" Nathalie smiled which only broadened Susan's smile.  
  
"Well, you know I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got some serious sleeping to catch up on," she told them. "I'll see you later."  
  
"Ok, I'll take Nathalie up to day-care," Abby said, holding their daughter out for Carter to kiss her forehead.  
  
"See ya, Nat," he smiled as he watched his wife take her away.  
  
* * *  
  
It was half past midnight when Carter and Abby were woken by Nathalie's cries.  
  
"Every parent's dream, right?" Carter mumbled into his pillow as Abby groaned and staggered out of bed. She drifted sleepily down the landing to Nathalie's room and the source of the wails.  
  
"What? What's up, baby?" she asked, between yawns, as she lifted the crying baby out of the cot. Suddenly she noticed something that made her snap awake. There was something not quite right about Nathalie's cries. They were shorter and more frantic; in between the short cries, Nathalie was breathing fast shallow breaths as though she just couldn't breathe in enough air.  
  
"Christ, John!" she shouted and Carter came running in.  
  
"What? What's wrong?" he demanded, worried.  
  
"Something's not right with Nat," she told him, panicked.  
  
"Oh crap," he muttered, hearing her cries. He rubbed his tired eyes and looked closer. "Jesus. We have to take her into the ER." He instructed.  
  
Nathalie's lips were blue and the ends of her small fingers and toes were taking on a blue tinge.  
  
* * *  
  
Susan Lewis sprawled herself on the reception desk. She was fed up with treating drunks who were convinced they were dying. It was nearly one am and she had already been sick on four times. There was nothing pretty about night shifts.  
  
"Susan, you have to help us," Susan jerked her head up; that was Abby's voice. Sure enough, Abby and Carter came through the ER doors, looking extremely pale and worried.  
  
"What? What is it?"  
  
Abby held out their baby daughter, who had stopped crying. Her lips were definitely blue, as were her fingers and toes.  
  
"Oh God," Susan muttered as she took Nathalie from Abby's trembling hands. Nathalie was cold and clammy and stared at her as though pleading with Susan to help her as she drew in rapid breaths. 


	2. Hearts Divided

(2) Hearts Divided  
  
Carter's face was stony and expressionless as he stood by the window in the doors, watching but not seeing. Abby paced the corridors nervously, muttering to herself.  
  
"What if she's - ?" Carter began in a voice that lacked emotion.  
  
"She's not, she's going to be fine," Abby cut him off with a voice that had so much emotion that it was barely under control and on the verge of hysterical. She carried on pacing.  
  
Susan Lewis concentrated hard on the task at hand; trying to blot out the fact that this was her best friends' daughter and that she, too, had emotional ties to her. She tried to forget that this was the same baby that smiled at her the previous morning; she was a patient, one that needed help. If she thought too much about her anxious friends waiting and the pressure put on her then she might have just left the room to comfort them instead, when what they really needed was her medical help and not her emotional support. But it was hard to work when she looked at Nathalie's face and thought of the bright green eyes behind the closed eye-lids, complete with long delicate eyelashes.  
  
"Shut up, Susan," she muttered to herself. "Shut up and work."  
  
* * *  
  
Susan took off her gloves and put them in the bin before leaving the room.  
  
"Is she dead?" Carter asked her, mechanically. Susan looked a bit surprised at his lack of emotion and straight to the point attitude. He seemed to have no problem saying the 'D' word which most anxious parents couldn't force themselves to say.  
  
"No, but she's not great." Susan told them.  
  
"Thank God," Abby whispered. Susan raised her eyebrows; well maybe worry does strange things to people.  
  
"We'd like to keep her overnight for observation and in the morning we're referring her to a cardiologist," Susan continued. Abby bit her lip but Carter just nodded numbly, as though he was being given instructions on how to work his microwave. "We'll put her in Exam 4 and you two can sleep overnight."  
  
Nathalie, who was now sleeping, was wheeled out and Abby rushed to her side, walking along as the gurney was pushed. She stroked her face and turned to Susan with shining eyes.  
  
"Thanks, Susan," she said, with a sad smile. Susan smiled back, looking around for Carter; Abby needed comforting, where was he?  
  
"Oh, it's ok, Abby," she sighed and hugged her friend. "It's ok." This was what a husband was for, not just a friend.  
  
When they got to Exam 4, they found that Carter was already there, standing expectantly with his arms folded, as though he wanted no physical contact. Two thin mattresses and blankets were brought in and laid next to each other on the floor.  
  
"If you need anything," Susan told Abby. "I'm here until six in the morning, ok?" Abby nodded and thanked her again as Susan left, closing the door behind her. The first thing Abby did was pull up a chair next to Nathalie's bed and sit by her. The first thing Carter did was lie down on the far mattress.  
  
Abby stroked Nathalie's small hand which had returned to its original colour and kissed her cheek.  
  
"You'll be ok, baby," she whispered in the dark and quiet room. "You'll get through this." She glanced at Carter.  
  
"John?" she began.  
  
"What?" he sounded annoyed.  
  
"Don't you even want to come and see if she's ok?"  
  
"She's not ok." He answered, shortly. "Did you not hear Susan?" Abby bit her lip and said nothing. He waited for an answer, but didn't look at her. Soon he heard her sniff and immediately felt annoyed that she should be crying.  
  
"Go to sleep, Abby," he instructed. He turned his back to her and faced the wall, glaring at the white paint. She wiped her eyes and kissed Nathalie once again before quietly making her way to the mattress. She sat down and looked at his back.  
  
"John?" she whispered.  
  
"What?" he sounded even more exasperated. Her hand hovered over him before she retracted it. She wanted him to hold her and kiss her and promise her it'll all be ok, but he was doing exactly the opposite. She needed him to comfort her but it seemed he had already given up on their daughter and she was now alone. How could she put that into a sentence?  
  
"Nothing," her voice came out as barely a whisper.  
  
"Go to sleep," he repeated in a dull voice. She lay down, obediently and cried softly, hoping he wouldn't hear her.  
  
Carter tensed his jaw and clenched his fists. He could hear her and she wasn't helping. God, why won't she shut up and let him sleep? Soon she did drift off to sleep, but it was from this night onwards that the nightmares would attack her and the Carters wouldn't have a good night's sleep for days to come. 


	3. Diagnosis

(3) Diagnosis  
  
Abby had woken up at 3am, hyperventilating from a nightmare. She shook the scenes of her dead daughter from her mind and got up. Carter gritted his teeth. He hadn't slept all night, thanks to Abby crying in her sleep. He shut his eyes tightly and tried to sleep.  
  
Abby crossed the room and sat by Nathalie. She felt so scared. She returned to the mattress and knelt by her sleeping husband.  
  
"John?" she whispered. "John? Are you awake?" He made no noise. He was probably sleeping. Abby had hoped he would hug her and tell her it was just a bad dream; it wasn't real, Nathalie was fine. But even if he had been awake, he'd probably just have been angry.  
  
* * *  
  
The three of them walked to the cardiologist's office on the fourth floor of the building in complete silence. Abby had attempted to start a conversation, desperately searching for some reassurance from him about Nathalie. He had turned and looked at her with cold dead eyes and simply said  
  
"I don't want to talk about it." Then he strode on and Abby had to run to catch up with him, down the shiny corridors.  
  
At the reception area, Abby took a seat with Nathalie in her arms as Carter went to give his name at the desk. Abby was glad when the cardiologist, a Dr. Peter Redding, arrived shortly, as she didn't think she could stand the silence anymore. In these silences she always felt that everything bad that was happening to Nathalie was her own fault.  
  
"Mr and Mrs Carter?" He asked and Carter nodded stiffly and shook his hand as though they were agreeing on a business deal. "Please come through." He ushered them into his office and onto chairs in front of his desk, which he sat behind and picked up a clipboard.  
  
"Ah, yes, this must be Nathalie." He smiled at Nathalie who smiled back; she seemed the only one who was ok about the situation. "Now, judging from the symptoms shown by Nathalie last night, I think Nathalie is suffering from a heart defect that she was born with. In order to see how severe it is, we would like to do an echo-diagram or an ultrasound of her heart ."  
  
He continued for a while and then led them to where the echo-diagram was performed. Every sentence he spoke numbed Abby just a little bit more, while Carter nodded along, gravely and professionally. Abby wasn't aware of how long the ultrasound took, but the next thing she knew, she was back by his desk, looking at the black and white diagram of Nathalie's heart, watching him trace various lines and blobs with his pencil.  
  
"Unfortunately, it is evident that Nathalie is suffering from transposition of the great arteries, or TGA. This can, of course be treated with surgery, and is performed when the child is six months old. However, in Nathalie's case, this was discovered so late after she was born that she should have been on drugs to stabilise the heart since she was born and since this has not been the case, the drugs would not have much effect - "  
  
Abby's mind was a blur. Why won't he just get to the point? Did Nathalie need surgery or not? And if yes, then when? And will she get better? Will she be ok?  
  
"- Nathalie requires surgery almost immediately -"  
  
Oh God - Nathalie? Their little girl? - Oh Christ, why?  
  
"- I could probably fit her in for this time next week -"  
  
So soon? - But she was always so healthy - so happy -  
  
"- Tell me, Mr Carter, did Nathalie ever show signs of poor weight gain?"  
  
Well she was a small baby, but all babies were tiny - right?  
  
"- irritability? -"  
  
All babies get a bit grouchy sometimes - and Nathalie hardly ever complained at anything -  
  
"- lethargy?"  
  
Oh crap. Memories flooded Abby's brain until it was water-logged.  
  
"She's been sleeping a whole lot, so no problems there - "  
  
No problems - Please don't say it, John. Tell him no. Tell him she's fine. In fact, she never sleeps. Ever. She's fine. Please can we go home? Can everything be normal? Please, John, he doesn't need to know. I want to go home.  
  
"Yes," Carter told him, firmly, as though he heard everything in Abby's head and just wanted to spite her.  
  
"I see. Well, I'm not sure if, at such a young age, Nathalie will fully recover from surgery, but it's her only chance. She may need further surgery when she's older. We won't know until after the surgery and then we can see how quickly she recovers. If she is able to cry when she wakes up from surgery, then it's safe to say she'll be ok, but we can't tell now."  
  
Abby felt as though somebody had just sucked everything out of her. She wandered out of the room like an empty shell in icy water, numb. Carter scheduled the surgery and paid.  
  
"Here," he gave her a card telling her the time of the surgery and then walked off down the corridor. Abby stared at the card for a while and then at Carter's retreating back and raced after him.  
  
"John," she called. He turned and watched her run up to him. "John, please. Can we please talk? Please?" He surveyed her for a moment and for a while Abby thought that maybe he would open up finally and everything would be alright.  
  
"I need to be alone." He told her and walked off. She stood and watched up until he turned the corner and was gone. In her arms, Nathalie had fallen asleep and the sight that usually made her smile this time made her cry in despair. Her quiet sobs were magnified in the long corridors, but it was so empty anyway that nobody heard her. 


	4. Cause For Concern

(4) Cause For Concern  
  
"There's a helicopter bringing in a patient from that MVA," Susan called to Dr Jing-Mei Chen. "Wanna come up?"  
  
"Sure, why not?" Jing-Mei shrugged her shoulders and gulped down the rest of her coffee. "I'm sure it'll be great fun."  
  
"What'll be great fun?" Dr Greg Pratt asked as he came into the Doctor's Lounge.  
  
"The roof." Susan replied, shortly.  
  
"Ooh!" Pratt put on a high voice. "I'm there!" Jing-Mei raised her eyebrows.  
  
"That is so unattractive," she told him, smiling as the three of them left the Doctor's Lounge for the lift.  
  
* * *  
  
There was a gust of cold wind and Abby realised she was on the roof. When Carter had ordered her not to follow her, she had obediently and dejectedly drifted off in the other direction and now she had found herself on the roof. She held Nathalie closer and sighed heavily. He didn't need her. He didn't love her; and yet she had never loved him or needed him more than now.  
  
It was dark now. How long had she stood on the roof for? She wondered how long Carter wanted her to stay away from him for. It was weird; she wanted to please him so badly that she found she was actually letting himself distance himself from them. She felt so confused, so lonely. She needed comfort from someone, anyone.  
  
"Where are you?" Abby whispered into the wind and over the cold, uncaring rooftops and roads of Chicago, to no-one in particular. "Where are you now that I need you?"  
  
Suddenly a blindingly bright light shone itself in her face and Abby staggered back, stunned. Nathalie whimpered slightly in fear and hid her face in her mother's jacket. For a crazy moment, Abby thought it was somebody answering her call, but then she saw it was actually a helicopter and her heart sank.  
  
"Shh, it's alright Nat," she murmured to her baby.  
  
* * *  
  
The helicopter landed gently; its huge blades whipping wind at their hair. The helicopter crew got down and rushed the patient over to Susan, Jing-Mei and Pratt, shouting instructions. There was so much noise that Jing-Mei was finding it difficult to hear every voice yelling at her.  
  
"Jing-Mei," Susan shouted and she was made aware that Susan had been trying to tell her something.  
  
"Huh?" she called back.  
  
"Isn't that Abby over there?" Susan yelled. Jing-Mei looked over her shoulder and frowned.  
  
"You two take this one, I'll be down soon." She told Susan and Pratt who nodded and wheeled the patient away. The helicopter rose into the air and the noise died away as it flew off into the dark sky.  
  
"Hey, Abby," Jing-Mei called. Abby turned and forced a smile. "I thought you went home ages ago." Abby shrugged.  
  
"John told me he wanted to be alone," she repeated his orders in a quiet voice that broke Jing-Mei's heart.  
  
"Well how long have you been up here?" she asked. Abby shrugged her shoulders again. Jing-Mei sighed and put her arm around her friend.  
  
"Come on, Abby. Go home," she told her. "It's cold up here. You need to go home and get some sleep." She had never seen Abby look so tired before.  
  
Abby nodded and let herself be led away by Jing-Mei as she clutched Nathalie to her, trying to keep her warm and ignoring the fact that she, herself, was shivering.  
  
* * *  
  
"How was she?" Susan asked, finally, when she and Jing-Mei left the trauma room.  
  
"Well, remember how you said she was unusually quiet last night?" Jing-Mei began. Susan nodded. "It's like that, only much, much worse." Susan frowned to herself as Jing-Mei went into more detail.  
  
"Nathalie's appointment began at 11am. So Abby must've been standing up there for at least seven hours." Susan muttered, shaking her head. "And all because Carter 'wanted to be alone'?"  
  
"I don't know. The old Abby wouldn't have taken that kind of crap from anyone; and definitely not from Carter." Jing-Mei sighed.  
  
"Well, the old Carter wouldn't have been like that." Susan pointed out. "I know this is hard for both of them, but can't they see they need to stay together? I don't know what Carter thinks he's doing, but he was so cold to her last night, and she just said nothing. I think he's already given up."  
  
"On Nathalie?" Jing-Mei asked. "How could he do that?" Susan shrugged.  
  
"I think one of us should talk to him." She said and raised her eyebrows at Jing-Mei, hinting.  
  
"No, no way. I can't do it," she replied, shaking her head. "You know him better than I do, and I don't really think we should get involved. It's family issues."  
  
"Well ok. We'll leave it a while," Susan agreed. "But I don't think Abby really is in the right state to defend herself." 


	5. After Dark

(5) After Dark  
  
Carter lay in the bed and stared angrily at the ceiling as though it had somehow offended him. Beside him, Abby thrashed about in her sleep, murmuring and weeping softly. He did his best to ignore her, but she had done this ever since Nathalie fell ill; it wasn't very hard to guess what recurring nightmare was plaguing her.  
  
Suddenly, she sat bolt upright in bed, breathing fast. This was how her dream ended every night, in the early hours of the morning. Carter closed his eyes; he didn't want her to talk to him about it. She was being stupid; nothing bad was going to happen just because she dreamt it. Usually she just sat up until he got up in the morning and her shaking body had calmed down. It irritated him. It was her who always insisted Nathalie would get through this, why should she get his sympathy when her mind tells her differently in her sleep?  
  
He waited for her breathing to slow down again and for her to relax and sink, hesitantly, back into bed and lie awake. However, tonight she got up and out of the bed. He heard her put on her dressing gown and walk across the wood floor with her bare feet and open the door. Then, when she closed it quietly, he, too, sat up and stared, suspiciously at the door.  
  
Carter opened the bedroom door in time to see Abby slip into Nathalie's room. He followed her quickly and opened the door to see her watching Nathalie sleeping in the cot. Her arm hung down in the cot and stroked their baby daughter's cheek.  
  
"What are you doing?" he hissed, suddenly. Abby jumped and turned.  
  
"Christ, John," she gasped. "Don't sneak up on me like that." She had one hand on her chest and the other cold pale hand shook violently; he doubted that this was due to the fright he just gave her, but more likely to be the after effects of her regular nightmare.  
  
"What are you doing?" he repeated.  
  
"I just wanted to see her, is that not allowed?" she replied, having regained some of her composure.  
  
"Just checking to see that she's not dead yet?" he raised one eyebrow. "Don't think I don't know what you've been losing sleep over every night."  
  
"They're just dreams, John," she told him, but she didn't sound convinced.  
  
"Are you starting to believe what all the doctors have said, now?" he asked her. "Have you taken into account her chance of survival?"  
  
"She's going to live, John," Abby answered, firmly. "She's going to get through it." Carter shook his head in mock pity.  
  
"If you can't even face reality now, then I feel sorry for you," he snarled. Abby looked at him defiantly but her eyes brimmed with tears and she was fighting to keep herself under control.  
  
"No, I feel sorry for you, John," she replied, her voice shaking with emotion. "I feel sorry for you. You never let yourself get close to her. You don't touch her. You can't even look at her. I feel sorry that you can't even have enough hope and faith to let yourself love her anymore."  
  
He stared at her. He didn't know what to say. Well, what could he say? Everything she had said was true. Abby looked at the floor, unable to watch him confirm that everything she had not wanted to believe was true.  
  
"I think you should go," she said in a low voice.  
  
* * *  
  
By the time Nathalie woke up the next morning, her Daddy had packed up and left; and all the while she was changed, dressed and fed, her Mommy had tears streaming down her face. 


	6. Without You I'm Nothing

A/N: thanks to all the reviewers, especially Hyper Piper91 for reviewing every chapter (I think), even if it is just: 'keep going'. Will Carter come back? Hmm, well I'm not going to give it away. Thanks again. Love LJ xXx  
  
"I've thought about it, Susan, and one of us needs to sit them down and talk to them," Jing-Mei told her firmly while they stood in the quiet Doctor's Lounge. Abby had taken time off work to be with her daughter, but Carter was still coming in later that evening, carrying on like everything was already over.  
  
"I don't know if we should interfere -" Susan trailed off as Jing-Mei raised one eyebrow. "What?"  
  
"I know you just don't want us to do anything because you know you'd have to sort it out," Jing-Mei replied. Susan tried to look shocked but pretty soon she dropped the look.  
  
"Ok, fine, but why me? Why me?" Susan fell to her knees dramatically and Jing-Mei couldn't help but laugh.  
  
"Ok, now this is mean." She told Susan, strictly. "We're laughing here, but our friend really needs help." Susan nodded and got up, brushing dust from her knees, gravely.  
  
"I still don't see why it has to be me, though," she muttered, darkly, as Jing-Mei left the room.  
  
* * *  
  
Susan rang on the doorbell and stood back as she waited. She had no idea what to say or where to begin. She was no teacher or lecturer and she was still wondering why it had to be her standing on the step. The door was flung open and she saw Abby standing there, out of breath as though she had run all the way to the door. Abby saw Susan and looked disappointed.  
  
"Hey, I'm sorry," Susan said, seeing the look. "Are you not happy to see me?" Abby forced a grin, which was so wide it looked painful.  
  
"No, it's ok. I was just -" Abby shook her head. "Never mind. Come in, Susan." She ushered Susan in, but Susan suddenly felt as though she did not belong here. Why did it have to be her who did this stuff?  
  
* * *  
  
Carter stared into the long, shallow locker and sighed deeply. Everything in it was hers. All the obscure belongings still carried a hint of her. He breathed in deeply, as though he was trying to remember how it was like. How it was like to sleep beside her; to see her every morning. How it was to kiss her.  
  
He heard the Doctor's Lounge door open and he quickly slammed Abby's locker shut.  
  
"Hey Carter," greeted Jing-Mei, cheerily. Then she saw his guilty expression. "What are you doing?" He quickly switched his expression to the dead, emotionless one he wore much more often; he knew it so well now, it was like a stone mask; not giving anything away, strong.  
  
"Nothing," he answered, coolly and left.  
  
Normally Jing-Mei would've pressed him for the answer, but she already guessed. Ok, Nathalie's condition would obviously affect people in different ways, but this had just gone too far. They needed each other, they knew it; hell, everyone knew it. What was keeping them apart?  
  
* * *  
  
Susan ran her finger around the rim of her coffee-cup which had been mechanically made in silence by Abby.  
  
"So -" she began, wondering where she could go from here. "Where's Carter?" Abby got up and pretended to stack the plates on the drier.  
  
"John left," she told Susan in a voice that she barely heard. It sounded so weak, so tired; lacking something, something important.  
  
"Oh, Christ, Abby," Susan murmured. "Oh God, I'm so sorry." Abby turned around with a faint smile.  
  
"Don't be sorry, Susan," Abby murmured. "It'll all be alright." Susan nodded kindly.  
  
"Yeah, it will." She agreed, unconvinced. There was a silence.  
  
"I have to - erm -" Abby searched the kitchen for something to give her reason to leave the kitchen and then she picked up a medicine bottle on the table. "I have to give Nathalie her Prostaglandin now. It's to help mix the red blood with the blue - "  
  
"I know what it's for, Ab." Susan cut her off, gently. Abby smiled quickly, muttered something that sounded like "of course you do," and left the room. Susan sat in the silence for a while until she heard sobbing from the next room and she ran in.  
  
"Abby, what's wrong?" she asked. Abby walked into Susan's open arms and cried; she was so glad she was here.  
  
"It's not, Susan." She sobbed.  
  
"It's not what, honey?" Susan prompted, softly. Abby looked up at her with helpless and tired eyes.  
  
"It's not going to be alright, is it?" she whispered. Susan looked at her, heartbroken, wondering if she should promise things she wasn't certain of.  
  
"Abby," she began. "Abby, look at me. It's going to be fine -" Abby's eyes welled up with tears again and she buried her head in Susan's shoulder.  
  
"I promise." Susan added.  
  
As she comforted her crying friend, she looked into Nathalie's cot, where the baby girl lay sleeping. Nathalie's small pouted lips were tinged with blue and Susan couldn't help but notice Nathalie's small rib-cage rising and falling at an incredible rate. 


	7. Hallowed Be Thy Name

Abby shut the window in Nathalie's room and shivered. It was so cold; but then she always felt cold nowadays. She stopped by Nathalie's cot and watched her sleeping for a little while, feeling a yearning for Carter, like she always did.  
  
"Sleep well, little baby," she whispered and touched Nathalie's cheek. "They'll make you better tomorrow, I promise." Maybe tomorrow was the last time she'd have to see those tiny blue lips and want to cry. Maybe tomorrow everything would be ok. Nothing bad would happen, Susan had promised her. But yet, she couldn't help feel so scared and so confused. Her life was a blur, a mess; and she knew why. She needed him back, but he didn't need her. He was strong enough without her; he could just walk away. If she had tried to walk away, she knew she would stumble and fall before she had even taken three paces. It was like the sense of having so much to lose had weakened her; she wasn't strong anymore and she couldn't get by alone.  
  
She entered her room and looked at the bed; hesitant to get in. It was so big that she felt if she got in, she might easily get lost and she feared falling asleep and dreaming that terrible nightmare again. Everytime she woke up in the middle of the night she turned automatically to Carter's side before remembering he was gone; it was a cruel trick her memory was playing on her.  
  
She was about to get into bed when, without thinking, she knelt in front of it and bowed her head, hands clasped.  
  
"I'm not really the kind of person who prays a lot," she whispered, in a quiet desperate call. "And I know I'm not always good. But Nathalie is only four months and you can't let her die; she hasn't even lived yet. You have to make her better because she's so small; she needs your help. You can't kill her; she's my baby. Maybe I'm not the kind of person who deserves their prayers to be answered, but this is about Nathalie and she has never done anything wrong. If you could just let her get well again - please?" She paused and swallowed, trying to force away the lump in her throat; she needed to finish what she had started.  
  
"And, Lord, please make John -" she hesitated. Please make him what? Make him love her again? Make him not be so cold? Should she really ask for him to be different? Should she really ask to change his personality? After all, these things have to come from within, but she wanted him to love her so badly -  
  
"Please can you make him - please make him come home. I miss him so much. Amen."  
  
* * *  
  
Carter stared out of the window. The last time he had been kept away from his family he had come so close to falling off the edge. He remembered being so scared that Nathalie would forget him. He remembered wishing Abby had not needed to go away. And now what? Now he had distanced himself from them. He could barely remember his baby daughter, when was the last time he held her? And Abby? Abby was merely a shadow in his mind, and, God, he missed her.  
  
Tomorrow he could really lose his baby daughter. Maybe he had already; maybe he had lost his whole family. What the hell did he think he was doing? He pressed his forehead against the cold window pane and bit his lip.  
  
"Don't kill her," he muttered out into the sky. "Don't you dare kill her." He punched the wall by the window with his fist and then curled up in a ball on the floor by the window. Nobody was here; no-one could see him. He didn't need the stony mask; he didn't need to pretend to himself and everyone around him that he was strong.  
  
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he whispered thousands of apologies to anyone he had ever hurt and a large percentage of his apologies went out to Abby. He hugged himself, as there was no-one else to do it for him, and he cried like he could never stop. 


	8. Under The Knife Part One

Carter was at the cardiologist's waiting room on time; Abby arrived early. He saw her glance at him when he came in. Could she tell he had not slept last night? Could he tell that he had sobbed and shouted and prayed all night? He took a seat at the other side of the room and picked up a magazine. No, she couldn't tell; he was wearing his frozen expression again.  
  
* * *  
  
Abby held Nathalie's small hand as the general anaesthetic was injected into her tiny veins.  
  
"Bye, baby," she whispered and kissed her forehead. "I'll see you when you're done." Nathalie was out like a light and they wheeled her away. Carter stood by the door, watching the whole scene as though he was not part of it at all. Then he walked off to the waiting room.  
  
They sat in the uncomfortable silence, Carter reading a magazine and Abby watching the hands of the clock crawl round, anxious. She was grateful when Susan arrived up in the waiting room with a nervous smile; anything to take her mind off her emotionless husband and the slow ticking of the clock like a dripping tap, slowly driving her crazy.  
  
"Hey, Abby," Susan smiled at her. "How are you holding up?" Abby smiled back.  
  
"Ok," she murmured. The truth was she felt so sick. Sick with fear, she had actually thrown up that morning and was still feeling ill. "Wait, I just have to go to the bathroom." She got up and left, shakily. Susan waited a while before getting up and following her. Carter watched her leave and clicked his tongue, loud and disapproving. Susan heard him, gritted her teeth and said nothing.  
  
* * *  
  
Abby retched by the toilet bowl but brought nothing up; she hadn't eaten anything, anyway. Susan sighed and hugged her.  
  
"You all done, now?" she asked her when Abby sat back. Abby nodded, slowly.  
  
"Scared?" Abby nodded again. Susan hugged her again.  
  
"Don't be, honey. Don't be."  
  
"Do you think Carter will be ok after this?" Abby asked quietly. Carter, Susan had forgotten about him and his name now made her blood surge with anger.  
  
"Well he damn well better be," she muttered and got up and left the bathroom. Abby scrambled to her feet, quickly, and stumbled after her.  
  
"Susan, don't," she called. "Don't say anything."  
  
* * *  
  
Susan stormed into the waiting room and stood in front of Carter, fuming. After a moment, Carter lowered the magazine and looked calmly at her.  
  
"I don't know who the hell you think you are and I know this must be hard for you, too," Susan ranted. "But it's hard for both of you and you don't get through it by making it worse for Abby. You get through it by sticking with each other -"  
  
Carter watched her with the air of one that is eavesdropping on a vaguely amusing conversation between two people completely unrelated to him.  
  
"Susan, don't, please. Leave him alone."  
  
When Abby's voice joined the conversation it ignited a fierce, burning desire inside him but he couldn't let himself love her so he beat it out, furious and determined.  
  
"And what about Nathalie, she's still your kid, too. Do you not remember the day she was born? Do you not remember how you came down to the ER, grinning away? You were so proud. What's happened to that, Carter?"  
  
"Please Susan, please shut up." Abby begged, close to tears, but Susan ignored her.  
  
"How could you do this? How can you pretend like you don't care, Carter?"  
  
"Please - please -"  
  
"I can't believe Abby is putting up with all this crap but in case you don't know, she hasn't complained once about how you have cut her off and frozen her out. I don't know how you can live with yourself after all you've done to her."  
  
"Susan, I don't mind, just please, go away now."  
  
"Are you even listening, Carter? What the hell are you doing?" Susan stopped and glared at him. Abby was now clinging to Susan's arm and Susan looked at her. Her expression softened and she felt so sorry for her friend.  
  
"I'm sorry, Abby," she murmured. Her pager went off and she turned to go. "I'm so sorry, but you need to look after yourself."  
  
Susan left and Abby sat back down, aware that Carter's eyes were following her back to her chair. She looked at him, nervously and apologetically. He took in the glance and despite the fact that everything inside him was screaming at him to run to her, he turned the page in his magazine and carried on reading. 


	9. Under The Knife Part Two

Nathalie returned from surgery. The operation was a success, but it was now all up to her recovery.  
  
"If she can cry when she wakes up, that is definitely a good sign and it is very unlikely that, after that, she should need any further surgery. However, only time will tell."  
  
To Abby, that didn't just refer to Nathalie's future, but also her marriage. Would Carter ever come around? Well, she'd just have to wait and see.  
  
She thought that maybe he'd be ok after the surgery was all over but he took one look at the sleeping baby with thick bandages around her chest and tubes weaving in and out of her and he folded his arms in a sullen silence.  
  
She thought that maybe the nightmares might leave her alone now, but she looked at her daughter, so fragile, so vulnerable; and she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep peacefully that night, not with those images in her mind.  
  
Nathalie was wheeled into a recovery room. Carter stared out of the window into the dark night sky; the operation had taken all day. Abby stood by her heavily sedated and delicate daughter. Two nurses brought a mattress each and put them on the floor, then they closed the door and left.  
  
Carter felt so confused. He had taken in everything Susan had said and he was examining it in his mind, now. He wanted so badly just to be with Abby again, but would she take him back? After everything he had done to her, he knew he didn't deserve it. He had pretended not to be affected by Nathalie's diagnosis but it had hit him harder than anyone could ever know. The only way he could protect himself was to see it as just another patient and not the daughter he loved so dearly. But he had taken it too far. He had separated himself from everything and everyone he loved and he had gotten lost and caught up in the midst of protecting himself. Now he didn't know if he should turn back or not, and even if he decided to try and find his way out, he wasn't altogether sure of how to get back.  
  
Where could he begin to get himself out of this maze he had created for himself? He didn't have a clue, so without thinking, he had carried on, deeper and deeper into the darkness. He saw the mattresses lying side by side on the floor and automatically did the defensive, stupid thing he had grown so used to now.  
  
Carter picked up a mattress and took it to the other side of the room. He saw Abby's despairing and hurt look and he wanted to punch himself so hard in the face. But he turned away and lay down, not knowing what else he should do. 


	10. Only Time Will Tell

Abby lay in bed, alone again. She didn't know if it would ever be ok again after what Carter had done and she didn't know if she could ever learn get by on her own.  
  
The nightmare took her over again and Carter listened in the darkness as she moaned and wept in her sleep. He didn't feel anger anymore; he felt regret and an intense self-loathing. What had he done? What the hell had he done?  
  
Abby sat up in bed as the nightmare finally let her go. She was gasping, as though somebody had just plunged her into icy water. Before she could stop herself, a dry sob escaped from her throat and then she couldn't stop crying.  
  
"Oh, God," she whispered to her knees as she rocked herself and tried to end her tears. There were soft footsteps and somebody knelt beside her on the mattress. She felt strong, warm, familiar arms around her and looked up, disbelieving. There he was, and everything inside her that she thought she had lost forever, came flooding back to her.  
  
"It's ok, Abby," Carter murmured and held her close to him. "It's ok, honey. It's just a bad dream." She touched his face and ran her hands through his hair.  
  
"Are you real?" she whispered. Her mind had played so many cruel tricks on her recently that she didn't want to let herself into another trap. "Are you back?" He nodded and kissed her hair over and over again.  
  
"I'm back," he told her. "And I'm never going away again, I swear. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Abby." She cried into his chest.  
  
"It's ok, it's fine." She murmured. He turned her face towards his and wiped the tears from her face.  
  
"You're too good to me, Abby," he shook his head, sadly. "You're far too good to me, you know that?"  
  
"Will she be ok?" she asked him. "Will we all be ok?"  
  
"We'll be fine now. Everything will be just fine." He promised. This was all she had wanted to hear ever since Nathalie fell ill.  
  
There was a long, loud wail from the cot and they both leapt to their feet.  
  
"Oh my god," Abby whispered.  
  
Nathalie cried until she realised that the crying was pulling at her chest and hurting her. She looked up to her mother and father with bright, pleading eyes that were filled with tears. Carter stroked his daughter's face and kissed her; when was the last time he did that?  
  
"It's ok, my angel." He told her. "You're gonna be fine."  
  
"She's gonna be fine." Abby repeated, hardly daring to believe it herself. Carter looked at her, there were tears running down his face, too. He didn't have to pretend anymore, he didn't need to wear his dead, emotionless expression and God knows he hated that thing anyway. He hugged her and kissed her.  
  
"This one's a survivor, Abby. She's strong." he told her with a smile. "It kinda puts me to shame."  
  
Abby laughed; now there was a sound she hadn't made for days. She kissed her daughter and dried her tears. Nathalie, still drowsy from the anaesthetic, sank back into a deep sleep but they just stood and watched her, with smiles on their faces and their arms around each other.  
  
Carter gazed at Abby. In just over a week, he had been to the brink of hell and back. He had looked over the edge and known where he preferred it; right here in his wife's arms.  
  
"Abby?" he began. She snuggled her head in his chest.  
  
"Mmm?"  
  
"Can I come home?"  
  
She laughed softly.  
  
"Of course you can, John. It's just not the same without you."  
  
**************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** ***********  
  
And the Lord said unto thee: "Thou shalt read the fanfic and thou shalt review. And this was done and He was pleased (" 


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